Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
