can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
