Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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