If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
