well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize