yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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