my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
