life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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