I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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