why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
