the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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