I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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