apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Well I just put wine in my tea
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
