My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
