I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize