my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
