Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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