I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I think I just shit out all my problems.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
