So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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