I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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