Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
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