Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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