My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
