Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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