Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
be right there i have to get my cape
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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