She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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