Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
