I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
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