I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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