woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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