i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
