If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
