Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
she looked like the before picture.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
