I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
