I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
