If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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