I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
