her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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