It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
