i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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