why didn't you poke me back
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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