Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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