you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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