I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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