Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
being pregnant is like rehab
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
