I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
