Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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