the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
