if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
