I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
