My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
