Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
