I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
