somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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