my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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