69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
