I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
birth control should be required to get into college
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize