you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
