Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
