How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
she told me i tasted like america
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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