He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
