Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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