just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
