It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
