Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
