You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
