i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Randomize
